Piece of corn man
The old guy on the LIRR sitting across from you on the other side of the aisle looks out his window, no doubt reflecting on the hard life that’s left him that tattered flannel and weatherworn/haggard yet handsome face/beard. He looks not unlike the most interesting man in the world from those beer commercials save for a sizeable dose of refinement and the fact that he’s arguably currently engaged...
The old adage is not true. There is only one proper way to skin a cat; make a...– ~me - June 2nd, 2012
Letter from friend long assummed dead
Dear Richard- Bangkok is amazing. It’s so different from the states. The people are more polite and I swear there’s this sense of energy that just permeates from the streets. It’s like that time we went to visit New York but with Buddhist temples instead of Starbucks. I swear they’re everywhere and man those monks sure can kneel and pray with the best of ‘em. Not to...
Top 10 awkward moments to spontaneously combust
1. The moment after the waitress returns to your table and asks you how everything is tasting. 2. The moment your barber starts cutting your hair. 3. The moment you finally give in and try your coworker’s famous potato salad. 4. The moment in the morning when you’re making breakfast and your significant other has just said something extremely hurtful and you’re now looking at...
Hello unique user! Read what I wrote! Some (most?) of it will be new. Some (most?) of it will be from my old blogspot in order to create the illusion that I’m writing much more than I actually am. All of it will be from the heart.
The temptations you’ve grown accustomed to. So many damn women in this city. Thoughts of unrealistic and poorly executed rendezvous flow like a faucet in an empty airport restroom. This one is particularly bad however - one of those touchless faucets without a handle to turn to the left or right that just keeps spraying thoughts of general depravity despite your best efforts of using your...
Day Ja Voo
You’re certain you’ve never been here before but consider this. I happen to know you’ve worn that same outfit on more than one prior occasion and the bar of soap you used this morning in the shower you’ve been using every day since last Thursday. Furthermore, the seat you’re sitting in, 18E, just happens to be the same seat you were assigned to on your connecting...
The reach ratio
The best thing about time, distance, amounts, and really any unit of measure is the brief interval between 1/3 and 1/2. Because if you think about it, 1/3 isn’t very much. I mean if you take any whole entire thing, say a foot or a song or an elephant, and chop it into 3 equal pieces and then consider just one of those pieces your really not talking about a lot in the grand scheme of things....
The most frustrating aspect of international travel is the true lack of meaningful variety. Sure, the accents and currency may be different and take a day or two to get used to but if you ask for a bottle of ketchup at a restaurant chances are if it’s not already in the middle of the table the waitress will know what you’re talking about and have it for you in less than 20 seconds....
There’s me, yelling at one daughter to pick up the Teddy Grahams she’s spilled all over the couch while chasing down the other before she crawls her way down a flight of stairs. Meanwhile there’s my mom, sitting at my computer, filling out online surveys that pay her points she can redeem for airline miles that help her pay for trips to New York where she can spend quality time...
If I wake one night to the screams of my children, after running to their room through the smoke and flames to gather them in my arms, I sometimes wonder if I’d waste the precious few moments it would take to set them back down for a sec so I could tuck my dick back in my boxer shorts before carrying them outside to safety.
Num Lock battle royale
The keyboard of my father-in-law’s computer has two options for typing numbers. There’s the top row where the keys 1 through 9 are listed in numerical order (except for the 0 which is after the 9 for whatever reason) and there’s an area over to the right where the same numerals are arranged in a nifty three-key-by-three-key box (except for the 0 key which is its own row...
I'll say this
Now I’ll say this. True, I may have just owned up to the fact that I’ll never punch another man in the mouth regardless of the circumstances, despite what he might have said about my wife or children. But the fact that I’m standing here today, bold enough to make such a claim, shows true courage, as no man can ever presuppose any future event if he does not have the determination...
I once met a man who could toss a stone all the way up to heaven. I asked him,...– ~me - April 1st, 2012
Letter to sports from Brian
Dear Sports, You’re so great. I’d love to get together sometime and just pick your brain. I can’t help but imagine all the crazy thoughts that must go through your head. Stuff like, “we’ll put knives on their shoes and make them scoot around on the ice” or “we’ll put big red gloves on them and let them pound each other”. Amazing! What’s...
You excited for the weekend?
For sure! Will be nice to get the old crew back together.
Some quality time away from the wife and kids.
Amen. . . So. . . You been doing any transfers?
Totally. . . . . . . . . . .
You don't know what I'm talking about do you?
Transfers, man! To stash away some coin. For the trip!
Ohhh. . . sure. I mean, kinda. I mean, I've been keeping things pretty tight lately. Bringing lunch to work, cutting down on drinking on the week days. . . cut my own own hair yesterday actually. Should be OK taking out a couple hundred bucks before we go.
What? I'm all set.
Far from it. You gotta start up on the account transfers.
How do you mean?
You and Amy. You got joint checking and savings, right?
Of course. Don't all married couples?
I would certainly hope so. Seems to me like the only way to establish an aura of trust within a marriage. Anyhow. The key to keeping up a facade of financial transparency while at the same time establishing a bit of a slush fund for the man of the house is the account transfer.
Listen. Start off by moving a couple hundred bucks from checking to savings. This initial transfer serves two purposes. A: It's the beginning of your own personal cash reserve and, perhaps more importantly, B: It's a test to see how closely the Mrs. is monitoring the transaction history.
Pretty sure Amy keeps a close eye on things.
Fair enough. Say she asks about this initial transfer. Tell her you want to start keeping closer tabs on things, take on a more active role, family needs financial stability, some bullshit like that. Trust me, she'll eat it up.
Wait a few days. Then transfer some more money from checking to saving and withdraw about half of your original transfer, put that cash in a shoe box.
A shoe box?
Sure. Got a problem with keeping cash in a shoe box?
What are you in 6th grade?!? It's not like I need a place to keep the money I make from mowing the neighbor's lawn.
A shoe box. Under the mattress. Tucked behind a picture frame. In a hollowed out book like Andy fucking Dufresne's rock hammer. Wherever. This isn't a time for pride, you understand? We're grown men who own homes. With garages. That have tools inside. That we use to fix expensive toys we've bought our children. But neither one of us is man enough to tell our wife that we're taking $700 out of checking to blow on a weekend with our idiot friends. It's a sad state of affairs, no doubt. but yet it's our reality.
. . . [a look of desperation followed by one of acceptance] [slowly nods head] . . .
Now. Do. You. Have. A. Shoe. Box?
OK then. Put the cash you withdraw from savings into your shoe box. Next time you get paid, start up with the transfers again. Money from checking to savings. Savings back to checking. Cash withdrawals from savings. Money in the shoe box. Next time you pay the mortgage repeat the process. Checking to savings. Saving to-
I feel like I should be writing this down.
No need to. Adhering to a specific pattern is not important. The beauty of the scam lies in its randomness. Keep the money constantly flowing between accounts with intermittent cash withdrawals slowly filling up your show box. Soon enough you'll establish a system that works for you and your wife.
And Karen doesn't ask questions?
No. She wouldn't know where to start. Too complicated. It's like trying to mange a hedge fund. But this one has a shoe box.
It's like they're too . . . [searching for the word]. . .
Dazzled. [puts hand on his shoulder] You dazzle them with account transfers.
I get it. This sounds like it just might work. Want to grab a quick beer and talk though some test cases?
Sure. Maybe. Hold on. Let me ask Karen.
Never eat pop corn while watching cop porn. At some point you’ll realize...– ~ me - March 17, 2012
He turned his head and looked at the wall. It was the only place it made sense to look. Her words had made their way across the table and were now his to do with what he pleased. He kept them at a safe distance for the time being, choosing to focus on the wall rather than ponder or understand them. She’d arranged the words in a different, kinder manner than she intended. Such words tend to do...
Cool things to "accidentally" find in your pocket...
Treasure map Bronze medal: Hammer throw Compromising polaroid of the uppity waiter Voucher for free lifetime supply of Captain Crunch Cock ring Letter from the future written by yourself explaining your heroic death in the pulse wars Burt Reynold’s car phone number Two space shuttle tickets Never-ending multicolored scarf G.I. Joe action figure (preferably...
If faced with a choice between a ladder and a shovel always choose the latter.– ~ me - February 18th, 2012
Forward in Christ
Every month my mom mails me this magazine called ‘Forward in Christ’. She hopes that I’ll stumble across an article one day that will inspire me to reconnect with the church. I don’t really read it, save for the yearbook style pictures of recent seminary graduates which I peruse to determine which girls are the most bangable.